The reason my website is called the womans relfection is for 2 reasons:
1) My blog will mostly be about my past, which will include reflective reasoning on why things happened,
2) When I look at my own reflection, I question whether I am the woman God intended me to be?
It’s obvious I’m a mother and wife, but who else am i supposed to be? What am I supposed to be in this world? What goals should I be pushing for?
Well, after thinking about it, I really did not know what I was pushing for, and maybe I still don’t, to an extent. However, I do know that I can provide wisdom from the knowledge I have received; this is why I started my blog. After experiencing specific things in life, I was very confused for a long time about why things would happen (and I am still confused on why I act the way I do in certain situations). So now I have a place where I can analyze these things.
For instance, why do I not socialize with people? Well, I have severe anxiety and OCPD, which coincides with my OCD and Dermatillomania. What the hell did you just tell me? For people who don’t know, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is where the victim is a perfectionist when it comes to order, lists, due dates; adheres rigidly to moral and ethical rules; is unwilling to give up responsibilities due to them not being done the way the victim wants; and they lack generosity, or are very negative in everything they do.
When I think about my life, I feel that I have ALWAYS been like this. An OCPD victim takes negative criticism harshly, and I have never taken ANY criticism in a positive way. For some reason, I have always saw my glass as half empty and never focused on how or why I do this. I’ve always been a neat and organized person, focusing on tasks that are written down. I did this throughout school and could never really function if I didn’t follow my own rules, like writing down all assignments so I would not forget them. I also have issues with short-term memory, so lists assist me with short-term to-dos. The perfectionist side of me is very OCD, things have to be where they belong, numbers have to be even, ect. But, when I started evaluating daily tasks I perform, then I realized that I was OCPD; I “follow specific procedures to manage daily tasks”. For example, when I shower, I do it the same way every time. If I happen to do it out of order, I will redo it. Another example, when I turn over in my sleep (never sleep on stomach or back), I have to turn OVER, not under. I tried to turn under one time and I turned back under, just to turn back over. If one foot is massaged, the other has to be massaged or my feet feel awkward.
When I speak of criticism, it could be the smallest of things, like I forgot to pack something in the morning for the day, and I rant on and on in my head about why I can’t just do things correctly? Why can’t I remember the things I need to remember? The mistakes that I make could be as simple as that or more serious and either way, I still take it hard on myself. Negative self-thoughts run my mind all day when things don’t go right. This portion of my OCPD is what is the hardest to deal with as it affects my daily routines, interpersonal relationships, and my thoughts of myself. When I receive criticism, usually, I will go into a ‘neutral’ mode where I don’t talk to anyone and I isolate myself from within my home. I don’t turn to my phone or social media or anything, really. I just sit quietly and think negative thoughts.
When I was a teen, I always referred to this as my ‘neutral’ mode, but now I know it’s not a mode at all, but something that I haven’t attempted to control. I definitely see this as a huge flaw in myself, because when I am like this, it is very hard to converse with me. I end up being close-minded, introvertive, and virtually very difficult to speak to. Therefore hard conversations, like finances or child responsibilities, end up being arguments that drag out for days.
As for the Dermatillomania, this is a ‘side effect’ of the OCD and OCPD. Derma is where anxiety takes over the brain so much, that the hands need to find something else to do. When a dermatillomania victims’ anxiety levels are increased, they pick at their skin (can be the fingers, face, back). They are completely aware of everything they do, but do not care about the thoughts of others. They know that what they do can be an unsightly thing to others, but they just keep going; the feeling, the fingers never stop.
I have a hard time coping with both of these mental issues and no support around me to help. The people around me don’t understand what I go through and I can’t have a real conversation with anyone around me about myself and actions because of the OCPD. All of this is a cycle that keeps going and never stops. In the end, I hope that this blog ends up being my therapeutic center for myself.